By Dete Meserve
In 2018, my house burned, and my family and I were displaced for 20 months while we rebuilt. The outpouring of support was amazing. Here are a few thoughts to share about what not to say when someone has endured that kind of loss:
1) Don’t offer something specific (e.g. I have some extra jackets, would you like them?) because then you put the person in the position of having to say no to you when they are already overwhelmed. Offering broad support is so much easier: I’m here. Whatever you need. Anytime.
2) Don’t offer support that requires them to be somewhere at a specific time. They are living each day as it comes and while your offer to bring dinner at 7 pm on Thursday is generous, they don’t know where they’ll be at 7 pm or whether they’ll be interested in dinner.
3) Don’t ask them for the specifics. “What did you lose?” is the worst question you can ask.
4) Don’t ask to see pictures of their burnt down home and don’t visit their burnt property unless you’re specifically invited. This is extremely painful – like looking at a dead carcass of your memories.
5) The worst question and comments are those that somehow imply they could’ve done more. For example, don’t casually mention, “my friends in Altadena hosed down their house and their house was spared.” Or: “My friends just cleared the brush from their house last year so their house is fine.”
6) Don’t tell them about other people who have it worse. Their pain is their own. Your compassion comes from listening, not telling.
7) Don’t “look on the positive” with them. Don’t say “at least you’re all safe. That’s more important than things.” That implies they don’t already know that. Believe me, they do!
8) Don’t add to their grief. When I told one friend my house had burned, she broke down sobbing and I had to console her for 20 minutes. This is not the time to have them console you over your grief in their loss.
9) Don’t tell them that this loss is the universe/God telling them something. If this is your belief, hold it to yourself.
No one going through this wants to hear someone else interpret
